skinnyjeanqueen's Xanga

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mon, 11 May 2009 04:03:22 GMT

i'm starting to discover that when people ask you about wedding plans that they want you to gush. they want it to be some grand girly bonding thing. and i dissapoint them. becos thats so not me. i dont do tafeta or overpriced cakes or flowers or bridal showers. i'm trying to avoid the wedding industrial complex and to avoid exploiting underpaid people. my dress, my veil, our rings, and our invitations are all from artisans on etsy. we're making our own food. a retired judge friend of dan's mother is officiating the ceremony. we're having the ceremony and reception at a local park district field house. i just, i'm not that girl. we don't have bridesmaids or groomsmen, nobody is giving me away cos i'm not an old toaster or whatever, dan and i are walking together to music that matters to us, and we're writing our own vows that use gender-neutral fully inclusive language. we aren't decorating much. cos we're us. and so i dissapoint women who wish to bond with me. but i'm the girl who always tried her best to hide during bouqet tossing, what else can i be? i'm a punk rock tomboy.

bought a black dress today

Sun, 19 Apr 2009 03:20:46 GMT

the doctor said yesterday that my grandpa has 2 weeks to live. i needed something to wear to the funeral.

i feel like im drowning like theres just too much on my plate between my grandpa and school with finals coming up and like 8000 papers and shit due and planning the wedding. it makes it impossible to be present and fully in myself and in the moment becos my instinct is to go mentally blank in order not to panic.

and it feels like my emotions and my meds are having an epic battle in my head for supremacy. i can't fucking cry.

oh, and my blood pressure is getting freaky high even tho before i went on paxil it was perfect all the time. i want off this crazy fucking drug that might make coping with reality and humanity a bit easier but puts my physical health in danger with weight gain and high blood pressure and hot flashes and no energy. i'm stopping it after finals are over, thank god/dess. i really don't want to have a fucking heart attack at 28 from taking a drug i started taking in order to stop wanting to die. cos that would be absurd.

oh yeah, it was my birthday 2 weeks ago. i got a camera. i'll maybe post pics soon possibly. someday.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 18:28:32 GMT

its leukemia.

fingers in ears go lalalacanthearyou

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 01:34:51 GMT

my grandpa has cancer. we found out cos its spread so far hes getting black tumors through his skin, but its not skin cancer. hes too weak to get any treatment. my grampa is dying and i cant even cry properly becos my stupid meds make it really hard to feel bad which is normaly ok i guess but right now is awful. ive been sneaking cigarettes here and there cos cancer has begun to feel ubiqitous, like its the new way to die naturally.

i think im going to go to my doctor thursday and get a one time scrip without refills for xanax or valium or something cos if i cant feel sad properly id prefer to not feel at all, cos otherwise i just feel the sadness sitting in my chest seething making my heart feel like its gonna burst but the tears wont come.

im sneaking off to smoke a cigarette. i feel like everything and nothing at once.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 03:25:09 GMT

i'm lousy about updating this thing. mostly nothing was really happening, just day to day normal stuff.

now tho dan and i are planning the wedding for later this summer and i have a feeling ill be needing to vent or just think out loud on here alot more.

sometimes its really hard to avoid the urge to yell at people while planning your own wedding. i never thought i'd get all bridezilla, but i am. it's really stressful becos you have to put together your most important outfit evah while planning a big fucking party and a dinner menu. and dan and i are doing the easiest wedding ever, in his parents backyard, no bridal party, no caterer, no dj or band. just family and a few close friends, a grill, some vegan cupcakes, and an ipod hooked up to his bands PA. i'm getting my dress and veil from etsy. i could have it so much worse, but at least every other day im like "fuck, can we please just go to the courthouse, please please please?!!" but dan wants a wedding and our moms want a wedding and i guess i want it too, or else by now i would have told everyone and our mothers to fuck off.

so the urge to yell, sometimes it feels like i'm doing everything and like dan just doesn't give a fuck and i think about strangling him, but i calm myself cos its just a stupid wedding and its one day and what really matters is our life together and our future and the commitment were making, not the pageantry of the whole thing or the dress or whatever, and he is helpful, theres just not as much for him to worry about, he doesnt have to wear a dress or jewelery or whatever. and my mother, has gotten into the habit, of occasionally forgetting this is not her wedding, and i have to talk her down and remind her that i am me and not her and will be doing things my way. dans mom isnt too bad, she just asks alot of very specific questions in rapid sucession to dan, many of them the same question phrased various ways, while hes at therapy or school or studying or something else totally distracting and by the time he and i get together to talk he cant keep it all straight. which could be his fault too.

i'm just looking forward to our honeymoon and this whiole thing being done. months and months from now. guh.

fuck.

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 18:44:02 GMT

i avoided it forever...

but i'm now addicted to facebook. its like crack!

if you're on there add me, my email is meowmixjez@aol.com

id say just look up my name, but it turns out there are like 8 billion people with my name. which creeps me out.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 19:58:27 GMT

a few days ago it was below zero out, now tho its 60 degrees! i have the whole apartment opened up to let in fresh air and im listening to blondie "parallel lines" on the fisher price record player dan and i snagged at at antique store for ten bucks. plus im about to have a delicious snack of strawberries and cream yogurt and these mini bagel O things that are like those bagel bites they sell, but all natural. theyre blueberry and im psyched! add to that a glass of orange pineapple banana juice and im in heaven.

in case anyone gave a shit and wondered where the photos of the apartment are, it turns out the cheapie digital camera behaves as such. the photos were dark grainy and blurry. i neeeeeeeeed a real camera! the place turned out so wonderful i really want to share.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 01:22:37 GMT

Yes We Did!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 01:55:11 GMT

so dan and i have been on an epic cleaning and reorganizing mission here at home before we start back at school monday. the place had become sorta a disgusting pit from hell, but now were most of the way done, the place is starting to sparkle, and weve been replacing some shitty particle board furniture with high quality mid-century pieces weve found thrifting. plus my mom got me a fantastic steel bedframe with head and footboard from ikea for christmas (the heimdal, if you must kno), and dan bought us a new comforter. weve been hanging cute thrifted art too. happy happy.

now that the kitchens clean i busted out my box of bisquik and the waffle maker i found nearly brand new at a second hand shop for $2.50 and i just had a fan-fucking-tastic waffle for dinner.

we found the cheapie digital camera his parents gave him a few chaunukuhs (so cant spell that) ago too, so i think once the place is done ill post some photos.

back to cleaning. also, back to watching all 3 back to the future movies free on demand.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 04:57:46 GMT

OMFG dan's parents totally bought me the complete series of gilmore girls on DVD.

i cant even express my joy and excitement in words. guh, wonderment.