the doctor said yesterday that my grandpa has 2 weeks to live. i needed something to wear to the funeral.

i feel like im drowning like theres just too much on my plate between my grandpa and school with finals coming up and like 8000 papers and shit due and planning the wedding. it makes it impossible to be present and fully in myself and in the moment becos my instinct is to go mentally blank in order not to panic.

and it feels like my emotions and my meds are having an epic battle in my head for supremacy. i can't fucking cry.

oh, and my blood pressure is getting freaky high even tho before i went on paxil it was perfect all the time. i want off this crazy fucking drug that might make coping with reality and humanity a bit easier but puts my physical health in danger with weight gain and high blood pressure and hot flashes and no energy. i'm stopping it after finals are over, thank god/dess. i really don't want to have a fucking heart attack at 28 from taking a drug i started taking in order to stop wanting to die. cos that would be absurd.

oh yeah, it was my birthday 2 weeks ago. i got a camera. i'll maybe post pics soon possibly. someday.