my grandpa has cancer. we found out cos its spread so far hes getting black tumors through his skin, but its not skin cancer. hes too weak to get any treatment. my grampa is dying and i cant even cry properly becos my stupid meds make it really hard to feel bad which is normaly ok i guess but right now is awful. ive been sneaking cigarettes here and there cos cancer has begun to feel ubiqitous, like its the new way to die naturally.

i think im going to go to my doctor thursday and get a one time scrip without refills for xanax or valium or something cos if i cant feel sad properly id prefer to not feel at all, cos otherwise i just feel the sadness sitting in my chest seething making my heart feel like its gonna burst but the tears wont come.

im sneaking off to smoke a cigarette. i feel like everything and nothing at once.