bought a black dress today

the doctor said yesterday that my grandpa has 2 weeks to live. i needed something to wear to the funeral.

i feel like im drowning like theres just too much on my plate between my grandpa and school with finals coming up and like 8000 papers and shit due and planning the wedding. it makes it impossible to be present and fully in myself and in the moment becos my instinct is to go mentally blank in order not to panic.

and it feels like my emotions and my meds are having an epic battle in my head for supremacy. i can't fucking cry.

oh, and my blood pressure is getting freaky high even tho before i went on paxil it was perfect all the time. i want off this crazy fucking drug that might make coping with reality and humanity a bit easier but puts my physical health in danger with weight gain and high blood pressure and hot flashes and no energy. i'm stopping it after finals are over, thank god/dess. i really don't want to have a fucking heart attack at 28 from taking a drug i started taking in order to stop wanting to die. cos that would be absurd.

oh yeah, it was my birthday 2 weeks ago. i got a camera. i'll maybe post pics soon possibly. someday.

fingers in ears go lalalacanthearyou

my grandpa has cancer. we found out cos its spread so far hes getting black tumors through his skin, but its not skin cancer. hes too weak to get any treatment. my grampa is dying and i cant even cry properly becos my stupid meds make it really hard to feel bad which is normaly ok i guess but right now is awful. ive been sneaking cigarettes here and there cos cancer has begun to feel ubiqitous, like its the new way to die naturally.

i think im going to go to my doctor thursday and get a one time scrip without refills for xanax or valium or something cos if i cant feel sad properly id prefer to not feel at all, cos otherwise i just feel the sadness sitting in my chest seething making my heart feel like its gonna burst but the tears wont come.

im sneaking off to smoke a cigarette. i feel like everything and nothing at once.

i'm lousy about updating this thing. mostly nothing was really happening, just day to day normal stuff.

now tho dan and i are planning the wedding for later this summer and i have a feeling ill be needing to vent or just think out loud on here alot more.

sometimes its really hard to avoid the urge to yell at people while planning your own wedding. i never thought i'd get all bridezilla, but i am. it's really stressful becos you have to put together your most important outfit evah while planning a big fucking party and a dinner menu. and dan and i are doing the easiest wedding ever, in his parents backyard, no bridal party, no caterer, no dj or band. just family and a few close friends, a grill, some vegan cupcakes, and an ipod hooked up to his bands PA. i'm getting my dress and veil from etsy. i could have it so much worse, but at least every other day im like "fuck, can we please just go to the courthouse, please please please?!!" but dan wants a wedding and our moms want a wedding and i guess i want it too, or else by now i would have told everyone and our mothers to fuck off.

so the urge to yell, sometimes it feels like i'm doing everything and like dan just doesn't give a fuck and i think about strangling him, but i calm myself cos its just a stupid wedding and its one day and what really matters is our life together and our future and the commitment were making, not the pageantry of the whole thing or the dress or whatever, and he is helpful, theres just not as much for him to worry about, he doesnt have to wear a dress or jewelery or whatever. and my mother, has gotten into the habit, of occasionally forgetting this is not her wedding, and i have to talk her down and remind her that i am me and not her and will be doing things my way. dans mom isnt too bad, she just asks alot of very specific questions in rapid sucession to dan, many of them the same question phrased various ways, while hes at therapy or school or studying or something else totally distracting and by the time he and i get together to talk he cant keep it all straight. which could be his fault too.

i'm just looking forward to our honeymoon and this whiole thing being done. months and months from now. guh.